• [Daily Mirror Icon]
• Lifestyle
• Sex & Relationships
• Marriage

'My affair is over - but I'm struggling to move on from my secret lover'

Agony aunt Coleen Nolan advises a reader who has ended her affair with a secret lover to focus on her relationship with her husband - but is struggling to forget about him

Comments

[mirror]

Lifestyle

Coleen Nolan Agony Aunt

12:32, 18 Aug 2026Updated 12:34, 18 Aug 2026

[Sad woman, concerned and stressed with depression and emotional distress]

View Image

She says she still cares about her husband (stock photo)(Image: Giselleflissak via Getty Images)

Dear Coleen

I'm a married woman in my 40s and have just ended a close relationship with another man, who also has a partner. The relationship never actually developed into anything physical, but only because we were both worried about taking the next step and aware of the consequences of doing so.

He's being texting and calling a bit, but I've ignored the messages because I think it's the only way of moving on. I told him it was too dangerous to keep seeing each other and he agreed, but we still have strong feelings for each other, so it's difficult to just stop talking and forget it all.

I find myself thinking about him all the time it's like a teenage obsession. However, I know if I keep messaging him and seeing him, we will end up in bed together at some point. My marriage isn't bad and I love and care about my husband, but we've been together since our mid-20s and my head was turned by this exciting man that came along. I know, it's a clich.

How do I move on from this? I'm not expecting sympathy because I know I've crossed a line, but I just need to get over him quickly and get on with my life. Please advise.

Coleen says

This other guy coming along has been a wake-up call to pay attention to your marriage and, luckily, it didn't progress to a sexual affair.

I think you're doing the right thing by not engaging with him and the next step, if you can, would be to block and delete his number to stop him calling and messaging. Of course it's hard because you have feelings for him, and it'll be hard for a while, but it gets easier and you will get over it.

Your marriage is obviously vulnerable and you have to take a look at why that is. What has changed? Have you stopped making an effort for each other? Have you grown apart or are their external pressures that have taken a toll? And can it be fixed?

You're romanticising this other guy because he offers whats missing excitement and an escape from whatever it is you're not facing. And the fact that it's forbidden makes it even more enticing.

You are aware of the potential consequences of an affair, so keep reminding yourself of those and commit to trying to get back whats missing in your marriage. Put your energy into that to find out if you can get back what you've lost.

Coleen's words of wisdom

Never settle for someone you must constantly remind to treat you better. Don't settle for a relationship if you have any doubts or it makes you doubt yourself. Be with someone who offers peace.

[Daily Mirror Icon]

ENJOYED THIS STORY?

Choose Daily Mirror as a 'Preferred Source' on Google News for quick access to the news you value.