'Help! Weve not had sex for a year, since our child was born'

Dear Coleen,

Its been just over a year since my daughter was born and my husband and I still havent had sex. There are a few reasons I had a difficult birth and took a while to heal, which has put me off anything happening down there!

Weve also been preoccupied with getting to grips with being parents, while juggling all our other responsibilities, so weve been distracted and too tired to really care.

I know this situation cant go on forever, though, so how do I deal with it? Were still close and fancy each other, but the whole subject of sex feels a bit awkward, and I dont think either of us knows how to broach it for fear up upsetting the other.

My parents are looking after the baby in a few weeks time, so we can have a night away. On the one hand, Im looking forward to the break and the chance to spend some time together, but it also feels like theres some pressure to have sex.

What happens if we do and its a disaster or we dont and are left feeling bad that we missed an opportunity?

Coleen says,

Dont think of this trip as going away to have sex treat it as a break where you can enjoy a whole 24 hours of rest and relaxation together.

If sex happens naturally, then great, but dont put pressure on yourself or each other. Even if you take a big nap in a lovely hotel room and enjoy a nice dinner, itll be so worth it.

I think a lot of new parents struggle with this and its not just sex, but finding time to connect, chat, cuddle and do nice things together. Naturally, your new baby becomes the prime focus, but you have to be careful not to lose yourselves.

My grandson is eight months old and Im always reminding my daughter to create space for her relationship and Im happy to help with babysitting where I can. Keep creating these opportunities, whether its once a week or once a month whatever you can manage.

I understand that sex feels a bit scary because you havent done it for a while and maybe youre worried itll hurt or be rubbish, but you can build up to it gradually and do other things. Romance doesnt always have to be about sex, but it can lead to it.

I know you dont like the idea of talking about sex, but it might be a relief to chat about it with your partner, and you might find that he feels the same. Talking about it will probably take some of the pressure off. Communication is important, so why not use this time away to start the conversation?

Coleens words of wisdom

Start your day well with a bit of easy morning mindfulness. Find a quiet spot at home to sit peacefully for a few minutes and simply enjoy your coffee without any distractions no scrolling, no radio, no TV. Try it.

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