'I'm struggling to tell my daughter that her granddad is sick'

Dear Coleen,

My daughter is 13 and has had a really hard time at school with bullying and not fitting in. Shes dyslexic and also has ADHD, and it takes a lot to get her to go to school at all.

Now weve found out that my dad, who shes extremely close to, has end stage cancer and I have no clue how to talk to her about it, so I keep putting off the conversation. Im worried about how shell take the news and how itll affect her, especially at school.

Of course, I feel heartbroken for myself too, but so sad for her as my dad is the one person who she can relate to hes brilliant with her and is always finding activities for them to do together. She absolutely adores him, so this diagnosis feels catastrophic on so many levels.

I know youve had to deal with cancer and bereavement in your own family and would welcome any guidance on how I should broach this terrible news with my daughter and navigate her through this tough time.

Coleen says,

Im sorry that youre going through this. Its probably tempting to try to hide this from your daughter as long as possible because you want to protect her, but I think its important to be open and honest.

Teenagers will Google things to look for answers, so I think its best coming from you so you can give accurate information, answer questions and be there to support her.

Expect a lot of questions for example, she might be worried theres a genetic aspect and if it might affect her. Encourage her to talk to other people about her granddad and let the school know, so they can support her and offer counselling if she needs it.

My daughter was very young when my sister Bernie died and she didnt come to the funeral. She was on a school trip so we thought it was best to leave her there. But now she often says we should have brought her back for the funeral because she regrets not being there.

So my advice would be not to shut her out of having the chance to say things to her granddad or spend time with him. Your dad might feel able to speak to her himself.

Theres no way around the heartbreak but its important she knows it does become easier to deal with. Let her know its OK to cry as much as she wants and express how she feels.

All the cancer charities offer guidance online on how to talk to children, as well as helplines (visit cancerresearchuk.org and macmillan.org.uk for more info).

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