• [OK Icon]
• Lifestyle
• LaLaLetMeExplain

'Should I tell my friend about her partner's online posts looking for sex?'

This week, Lala offers advice to a reader who is unsure whether to tell a friend about online posts her partner has made looking for sex. They have been together 10 years and and recently had a baby

[0_OK23_MAIN-1-BLOCK-TEMPLATE.jpg]

View 3 Images

This week, Lala offers advice to a reader who is unsure whether to tell a friend about online posts her partner has made looking for sex (Stock Image)

In Lalalaletmeexplain's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems. With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, shes had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers. Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru. For this week's column, simply continue reading...

Dear Lala,

I need advice on whether to tell a friend about online posts her partner has made looking for sex. For context, theyve been together for 10 years, recently had a baby, and hes previously been spotted on Feeld, a sex positive dating app, which was forgiven after a lot of turmoil. His excuse was that it was for self-esteem issues, which always sounded like bulls**t, but my friend made her decision. This was about 3 years ago.

A few months ago I came across his anonymous Reddit profile, which is very obviously him, same tattoos etc, and have been keeping a casual eye on it for obvious reasons. About a month ago he posted on a page looking for local sex with a naked photo. Hed previously commented on cuckholding groups too, but this was his first proper post.

My concerns are that 1) they have a baby and I dont want to ruin mum and babys life with this information and 2) they might have an agreement for him to have sex with other people which Im not aware of? This seems unlikely as I know my friend and it doesnt seem like something shed agree to, especially considering how awful it was for her when the whole Feeld thing came out. Anyway, do I tell my friend about the post? I dont know what to do, I havent seen her in person in ages which makes it harder. Theyre talking about buying a house together next so itll only be harder and harder for her to get out.

[This week, Lala offers advice to a reader who is unsure whether to tell a friend about online posts her partner has made looking for sex]

View 3 Images

The reader's friend has been with her partner for 10 years, they recently had a baby and are looking to buy a house together (Stock Image)

Lala Says,

This is such a tough one. Some people might see it as simple, youve seen the evidence, shes your friend, therefore you owe her the truth. And whilst thats true, there are complexities, as youve identified, that mean you need to give serious thought to it before dropping any bombs.

The facts are that you want to protect your friend, and youre right to want that. If hes having sex outside of their relationship and she doesnt know, then he could be putting her at physical risk of infections as well as betraying the sanctity of their monogamous relationship. Most people would want to know if their partner was doing what he was doing, but post-partum mothers require a little more consideration.

When youve just had a baby youre in your most vulnerable state. Youre likely physically and mentally exhausted, not getting great sleep, recovering from major physical trauma, adjusting to your new life, and feeling extra reliant on your partner. Finding out your partner has been cheating is catastrophic at the best of times (and she has already been through that and chose to stay), but finding out post-partum is a nightmare of epic proportions. Its incredibly hard to deal with the trauma of your world falling apart whilst youre still fragile, breastfeeding, and knackered. And very often, finding out during that time leads women to stay. They feel hurt and betrayed, but they also feel they need their man more than ever, they cant imagine kicking him out and being left alone with the baby. They want their child to grow up in a two parent home like they intended. There are so many more barriers to ending things than there are when you dont have a newborn.

[0_GettyImages-1471084364.jpg]

View 3 Images

Lala says to be mindful of how the reader delivers the message and when, particularly as the friend is post-partum (Stock Image)

Telling a post-partum mother runs the risk of causing major stress whilst shes not in a position to take action. However, that doesnt mean she should be shielded from the truth. If she doesnt know, she has a right to know and that responsibility does ultimately sit with you as the person with the information. Just

Youre also right to consider she may already know. If hes searching for cuckholding this would involve her, unless he wants to join someone elses relationship. Cuckholding is a Shakespearean term for a husband whose wife has committed adultery. In kink circles, cuckholding is the practice of watching another man have sex with your wife. If hes looking for people to sleep with his wife then I certainly hope shes involved and consenting. If she isnt, this could potentially be very serious, which would add to a need to tell her sooner rather than later.

Lots of couples do have agreements for sex with others, and she may be OK with it, and it might feel embarrassing for her to have that discussion with you. But youre not dealing with a vague suspicion, youve seen evidence of him actively seeking sex locally and posting explicit images. And if she doesnt know, then she does need to know, not just because of the betrayal but for her health, safety, and ability to make informed decisions about her life.

So the question becomes less about should you tell her and more how and when do you tell her in the safest way possible. If you decide to tell her, it needs to be done privately, not in front of the baby or anyone else, gently and without judgement, with evidence so it doesnt become your word against his, and with no pressure for her to act immediately or at all.

Youre not there to tell her what to do or to cast aspersions on him. Youre there to give her information she deserves to have. If youre genuinely concerned about her current vulnerability post-partum, you could give it a short window like a few weeks or months if theres no immediate risk. But dont leave it indefinitely, especially if you believe hes actively meeting people.

A simple way to approach it could be: Ive come across something that I think you deserve to know. I dont want to assume anything about your relationship, but Id feel wrong not telling you. Then let her lead. The reality is, if she already knows, then there is no harm done. If she doesnt, youve given her the dignity of informed choice. Tell her, but tell her thoughtfully and carefully and be there to support her regardless of what she chooses to do next..

[Lalalaletmeexplain]

Lalalaletmeexplain

Lalalaletmeexplain is a sex and dating educator, author and qualified social worker. She is a Sunday Times bestselling Author with her book Block, Delete, Move On. She also has over 225k followers on Instagram. She writes a weekly column for OK! VIP

[OK Icon]

ENJOYED THIS STORY?

Choose OK! Magazine as a 'Preferred Source' on Google News for quick access to the news you value.