'Teenage daughter hates us and family life is so miserable'

Dear Coleen,

Our daughter is 16 and has recently finished her GCSEs. The past year has been incredibly difficult for us as a family as shes been unbearable. Nothing we do is right, she constantly starts arguments over the smallest things, and if we dare to say no to her, she threatens to go.

In fact, she did go AWOL one night after an argument and turned her location off on her phone. My husband and I ended up driving around the town, trying to find her, imagining all sorts, but she eventually called to be picked up, and said she was just taking a walk like it was the most normal thing in the world at 9pm on a Tuesday night.

I dont think my nerves can take much more of it the shouting, name-calling, door slamming and sulking; its horrendous. The thing is, shes always been happy at school, has good friends, and is lovely with everyone else except us.

She acts like she hates us and has told us she hates us on more than one occasion. I dont know where weve gone wrong with her and Im dreading this long summer holiday before college starts with no break from her and no structure to her days. Our home life is miserable can you help?

Coleen says,

I think its mostly down to her age and Im sure there are thousands of parents across the country who can relate to your letter. Its a really tough stage.

Theres a lot of pressure at this age friendship dynamics (especially among girls), working out where they fit in and what they want from life, the stress and expectations around exams, and of course hormones, which play a big part, too.

Its easier to take out your anger and frustration on the ones you love because you know those people wont reject you and thats what shes doing. Its a safe space.

She might seem like shes getting on great with school and friends, but teens dont tell us everything. There are obviously things bothering her, so my advice would be to try to encourage her to talk to you honestly. Remind her that you love her and want to help; no subject is off limits.

Dont add fuel to the fire when shes acting out, which I know is hard if shes been rude or sneaked out of the house at night. Shes expecting you to react and for things to erupt into a huge row.

All teens push boundaries, but youve got to hold your nerve and create an environment where they feel safe coming to you. Good luck.

Coleens words of wisdom

Dont think of rest as a reward for being productive or working hard. Rest is an essential reset and it should be a regular thing. You dont need to earn it or justify it to yourself.

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